Losing Mask
by JeiC
Summary: Injured, Duo has time to reflect on his world. Set to Loser by 3 Doors Down.


Disclaimer: *pouts* I don't own even a Gundam Wing plushie never mind Gundam Wing itself. *does have a few wallscrolls though* "Loser" is by Three Doors Down. Okay, that's it…the evil disclaimer is over.  
Author's note: *blinks* Uh, I was bored? Yeah… *shrugs*  
Warnings: angst, OOC, yaoi  
  
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Losing Mask

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*by JeiC  
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Silence…well, I wished it was but the pounding in my head decided otherwise. Man, I feel like I've been dropped on my head out of Deathscythe Hell's cockpit and then stepped on by each of the other Gundams. Heh, see I know my buddy would never step on me, but Wing Zero – he's a mean one. Oh boy, I'm losing it now.  
Of course now I have to do something stupid like opening my eyes – too bright. I guess I'm not dead…it's almost a pity that I'm not. I make an attempt to turn over on my side to go back to sleep, but two things stop me – the pain tearing through my body and a gentle hand on my shoulder. Well, I guess that means I made it back to the safehouse in one piece if Quatre is here. Wasn't sure there for a while…thought it was all just a dream.  
"Duo, I know you're awake. I need to see if you have a concussion."  
Heero? No way. I rather have died with my buddy there in the heat of battle instead of face my partner. Oh well, I guess I better comply with the "Perfect Soldier's" request. Slowly, I open my eyes to better adjust against the sunshine only to have the light dimmed out by deep blue eyes staring into my own.  
As he moves away from me, he comments, "Hn. You're lucky. Your injuries weren't as severe as they first appeared, but you lost a lot of blood. You require time to recover."  
Typical Heero Yuy – for a second there I thought he actually cared about me for more than being "Zero-Two's" pilot. I feel too drained to even come up with a smart-ass remark. With the same eerie silence, he returns with a tray and helps me sit up to eat mostly liquid meal. "Quatre asked me to give this to you when you woke up. I kept it on the warmer."  
He sat in the chair next to the bed and just stared at me. I made an attempt to move, but my arm fell by my side again. I think I tried this about ten times before I finally gave up and stared out the window into the beautiful summer afternoon…why couldn't it be raining? A raging storm is what I would have preferred over this.  
Out of the corner of my eye, I can tell that Heero is taking the tray away. I really wasn't hungry anyway…honest.  
"Here." I turn to find the boy that I somehow fell in love with holding the bowl in one hand and a spoonful of soup out towards me with the other. Oh, no, I am so not lowering myself to that level with the others around. If it was just Heero… "The others are out on missions."  
Well, that settles that. Quatre better not have taught him how to read minds. This is so degrading having him spoon feed me. I hate feeling so weak, but if he's…maybe I can keep going on. The meal was so quiet – I barely had the strength to swallow the food and I've never known Heero to be able to run a continuous monologue like I can. Once I finished the soup completely, much to my stomach's dislike, he cleaned up and left without a word – leaving me to my thoughts.  
Well, that didn't last long – he's back already. "Why did you attempt such dangerous maneuvers? They weren't necessary for the mission."  
Opening my mouth to reply, absolutely no sound comes out and I find myself trying my hardest to hack up a lung. I nearly jump at the soothing hand rubbing my back. What's up with him? This isn't the Heero Yuy I know.  
A glass of water is shoved in my face to drink. Hello! If I couldn't pick up a damn spoon, what makes you think that I'm gonna be able to hold a glassful of water?  
Slowly I take a sip from the glass held before me before I resorted to just a shrug as a reply.  
"You have to know. You're the one who pulled them! Are you trying to get yourself killed out there?!" Um, I'm going to take it that I picked the wrong response.  
Finding my voice, I manage to get out, "Because…" before it gave out again.  
"Just 'because?' We're fighting a war – this isn't time for playing games. Maybe you should use your time recovering to rethink your position!" To add to the shocking effect, he stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.  
All I could do was blink and stare at the door. Finally looking away with tears stinging in my eyes, I manage to mumble out the rest of what I was trying to say, "Because I don't deserve the right to live." After that, I really didn't have the energy to move, so I stayed in the position Heero had left me and stared out the window – contemplating my own existence. Shinigami…what happens when the God of Death wishes for his own?  
I watch the sun set and the moon rise, and for a long time I observe the stars before I heard anyone else enter the safehouse. I can't tell who it is, but I don't care either. The stars are so beautiful from Earth…they seem so dead on the colonies. I used to look at the moon a lot, but its silvery glow hasn't brought me comfort in a long time. Maybe Heero's right…maybe I have lost sight of my purpose…maybe I just lost my purpose period.  
There was a light knock on my door before sunshine walked through it. "Duo! I'm glad you're awake. How are you feeling?"  
Gathering the energy I need for my mask, I force myself to turn and smile at him and joke, "Feel like I've had a few OZ suits dance on me, but other than that I'm just fine."  
Good, he laughed which means Quatre has just bought it hook, line and sinker. "Oh Duo…you're too much sometimes." His face has gone dead serious, oh crap, did I think wrong? "I left you some soup, did Heero give it to you?"  
That's it?! I guess I shouldn't be surprised – Quatre does like to look after all of us. "Yeah, man, it was great!" Made me sick to have to eat it though – don't get me wrong, Q's an awesome cook, but I can't stand the sight of food right now.  
"Um, do you want me to get you some more? I could make you something else if you don't want that." Oh great, I just talked myself into that one.  
"Nah, I'm not hungry right now. Maybe I'll take you up on your offer later." I grin with all the charm I can manage. Man, any longer and forget it – I'm going to pass out from the pain of trying to keep this up. Q, you're like a little brother to me, but leave already!  
"What happened? Was the mission that bad?"  
Dammit! "Heero could give you better details – my mind is kinda fuzzy about the whole thing. All I really remember was that I thought maybe I could impress the nice OZ ladies with my hot-shot piloting skills and kinda didn't go as planned." Ooh, the pain is helping me come up with some weird-ass lines.  
He laughs again…well, this proves that even beaten senseless and in severe pain I can still make someone laugh. Duo the jokester – who I've always been when I'm not being the great Shinigami. "So what's going on with Heero? Don't you think he's acting strange? He was just staring at the coffee table when I got in."  
I try to lie back down, but the pain burning through my muscles stops me dead in my tracks. Quatre comes to my rescue and helps me out. "Heh, thanks Q." I cringe as his hand moves to touch my forehead – thought for a minute there he was gonna hit me. "I couldn't tell ya much about Heero. Me thinks he's a little ticked off at me."  
"For not wearing your harness again?"  
Ooh, that stung, but he is right. "G didn't take into account my lack of height so therefore the controls are a bit difficult to reach in order to successfully kick OZ ass." Uh oh…he's looking at me as if he's able to see right through my mask. I hope it's just the pain from getting my ass kicked instead.  
"Are you sure everything is…"  
"Hey, Q, this is me we're talking about. Get going so you can welcome Tro home properly – I'm not going anywhere for awhile. Besides, I wanna get some sleep." I manage to yawn at just the right moment. Damn that hurts.  
"Okay, Duo. I'll come by again in a few hours to see if you're hungry. If you need anything before I come back…"  
Smiling with everything I have left, I reply, "You know that I can yell louder than all of you put together. Okay, maybe not Fei, but I come pretty darn close."  
Quatre bows out with a gentle smile and thoughtfully turns the lights off plunging the room back into the darkness of the night. Moments later I feel the tears return. I must have regained a lot of strength to hold a conversation for that long. I feel like shit for giving him my usual, but he nor the others can know. I might run and hide, but I never tell a lie…maybe not, but I live it.  
Hot tears continue to fall as much as I try to stop them. Dammit, this is not me…or is it? Is this who has really been hiding under the mask that I even believed for so long? I haven't cried in so long – I locked them all away after the Maxwell Church Massacre.  
Jumping slightly at the door opening again, I realize that it's only my roommate. Okay, I should be thinking that when I actually have my head on straight – I don't want Heero finding me like this. Well, at least the Perfect Soldier doesn't turn the light on. After he quickly changes into something more comfortable than spandex to sleep in, he goes to bed without a word. Man, that was close.  
Hours pass and I just watch him sleep. He looks so innocent like that...even I wouldn't think that he would be capable of killing a fly by the way he appears now. His eyes...those deep blue orbs of his are what make up his dangerous aura during his waking hours. "Go to sleep, Duo."  
SHIT!  
"Staring at me all night isn't going to make you recover faster."  
DOUBLE SHIT! Tearing my eyes away from his resting form – I turn my head towards the window and close my eyes. Add his commanding voice to that earlier list.  
Man, my head is so screwed up…one minute I'm contemplating how many ways I could effectively kill myself in my current state and the next, I'm holding onto life because of that uncaring bastard. Obviously he doesn't care why I've been staring at him all night, but I can't deny him anything. Why? Why did I ever have to love him?!  
The next few days pass as a sort of blur for me. Every time Quatre brings food, I find myself asleep. When Trowa checks my wounds, I act as if things are gettin better by the minute. When they tagteam, I end up eating. Each moment that Wufei comes to look in on me, I give him no reason to doubt the Maxwell he knows and is annoyed by. But when Heero comes, I lose my grip on my mask and try to avoid him even though we share the same room.  
Today, however, I'm not so lucky when it came to avoiding Q's feeding attempts. "Duo, you need to eat something. You won't regain your strength if you don't." He was practically pleading with me.  
"I'm just not hungry, okay?!" I can't believe that the sweet blonde Arabian is starting to annoy me. I honestly don't care if I look pale, feel light-headed, dizzy, or have this empty pit sensation in my stomach – I'm not eating. The thought of food alone brings on shallow waves of sickness.  
Oh no, he's turning those big sad baby blues on me. I look out the window before they can start affecting my already twisted senses. Why do I care so much anyway?  
"Duo…"Quatre…my mind adds in a similar whining tone.  
"Quatre, can you leave us alone?"  
Awe shit. A few more minutes and Quatre would have given up, but no, he had to show up. I turned back in time to watch my "little brother" leave silently before I gazed up at Heero. I gave him the most innocent look I could, but then again, he was never one to fall for that.  
"Eat." It was a simple yet unyielding command. I'm not going to get out of this time. Dammit, why can't I deny him?  
Giving a small sigh of resignation, I pick up the spoon and eat with all the enthusiasm of a rock. By taking my good old sweet time, I hope to bore him enough to leave. Considering he has the personality of a rock some days and the fact that I knew my luck had run out the moment he stepped in, that was a pretty pathetic attempt of a try at best. After getting about a quarter of the way through the cup of soup, I stare at the spoon and think up the oddest thing I possibly could at that moment – there is no spoon. Hey, it worked in this really old, but really kick ass movie once.  
At any rate, since I know the spoon is not going to bend to my will or disappear all together, I gather myself and turn to face my partner. "I can't eat anymore." And we have pathetic attempt number two, ladies and gentlemen! Honestly though, I don't think I can eat anymore without regurgitating what I've already eaten.  
Heero levels a glare that carries the threat of force-feeding me if I don't stop whining and comply. Ah well, I tried, but Mr. Perfect over here won't let me die quietly.  
Later that evening, I feel more energetic than before and since Q and Tro are out acquiring supplies in one form or another and Heero and Fei are making attempts to repair the minor damages on the Gundams, I have the entire house to myself. I manage to pull out the trunk under my bed and flip it over to access the bottom compartment. Nobody knows I have this, and I'd prefer to keep it that way, but you know how those things turn out – someone finds out and then everybody knows. Oh well, I can try, can't I?  
Pulling the well used pick from it's resting place between the first and second frets, I gently run it over the finely tuned strings of the guitar – letting myself drown in the sound of the steel vibrating through the acoustic sound chamber.  
For awhile I play a nameless tune – it wasn't happy…wasn't sad…wasn't any emotion at all. I guess I lost track of time because now I sense an audience of four at my slightly open door. Awe, why spoil their fun if for only one more time. Something came to mind that I remember learning from one of the many schools I visited. A song about as old as that movie I mentioned earlier and perfectly suiting me right now. On second thought, this one isn't for them. This one is all mine.  
  


_Breathe in right away,   
__Nothing seems to fill this place_

  
Yeah, nothing does…I mean, I didn't even bother putting up my picture of the five of us this time. It would be so empty even if it was up. We're never in one place long enough to call it a home so it means nothing to any of us. Even when I'm by myself, I never am quite able to make the safehouse a place to truly remember – just another place where I hide my sorry ass from OZ's prying eyes.  
  


_I need this every time,   
Take your lies get off my case_

  
You know, I've always wondered if they actually care or if they lie because they need another body fighting on their side in this forsaken war. Well, I believe Q, but Heero, he only sees me as a tool – another weapon of war when paired with Deathscythe Hell. A weapon of mass and rather maniacal destruction, but he doesn't understand how I work as Shinigami. I really don't know what Tro and Fei think. Wufei's pretty cool about things, but…  
  


_Someday I will find  
a love that flows through me like this_

  
…but Solo, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell…they all care about me and died. They died because they got close to me. Who else could I be other than Shinigami? One who kills those who care about him. Q, Tro, Fei, Heero…I don't want them close 'cause I'll end up getting them killed also.  
  


_This will fall away,  
__this will fall away_

  
That mask I wear – the one that makes everyone think that everything is okay with me. I've felt it doing that more and more lately. Mostly around Heero though. It's like he walks in the room and then I find myself struggling unsuccessfully to keep the barriers up. Either that or I can just sense him bypassing everything I created and staring straight into what little soul I have left.  
  


_You're getting closer  
to pushing me off of life's little edge_

  
If it wasn't for G stopping me and planting the happy little suggestion in my head to come to Earth as the great Shinigami, I would be dead now. No more professor, no more Deathscythe, no more Sweepers, and most importantly – no more me. Why did that stupid comment actually make me reconsider this hell that I'm living? Well, at the rate things are going…  
  


_Cause I'm a loser  
__And sooner or later you know I'll be dead_

  
…it's only a matter of time now. If I could only let go of everything – let go of him. I tried on the last mission, but somehow managed to save myself, or Heero saved me…I'm not quite sure which since no one has said anything. Why couldn't I die with a little dignity?  
  


_You're getting closer,  
You're holding the rope,  
I'm taking the fall  
__Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah_

  
When I do finally go, and if it is by Heero's hand, I will have in essence hung myself. I've already handed him the end of the noose and stood on the edge of some cliff taunting him to kick me off. He just seems to have a lot of patience. Damn him.  
  


_This is getting old,  
__I can't break these chains that I hold_

  
The ones that hold me to this realm…I they seemed to be made of gundanium, and I for one cannot bend gundanium. I am not Heero Yuy…although I've never actually seen him do it either…I want out of this war, out of this world and out of this life…  
  


_My body's growing cold,  
There's nothin left of this mind or my soul_

  
…but no matter how deep I fall, I'm still stuck in this forsaken shell. If I cut my braid, will that kill me? Nah, probably just drive me deeper with guilt – I'll lose my mind to the past. Heh, my braid keeps it all in as much as it is a signal flag for OZ soldiers. Come on, shoot me, you know you want to.  
  


_Addiction needs a pacifier,  
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher_

  
Maybe I am just a masochist…I mean, I take some of the most ridiculous risks. Yeah, I know we all do in this twisted war, but I'm always out there trying some new twisted stunt to either (a) get attention, or (b) get killed. For the longest time I thought it was just because I wanted to be recognized as a good pilot…I wanted to be good at something. It was easy in the beginning to believe that I was needed – even if it was only to be the God of Death. This Shinigami had a purpose…  
  


_This will fall away,  
__This will fall away_

  
…but as all things must, my false purpose faded and here I sit with my guitar on my lap and death around my shoulders. Now I put my mask aside – in time I will repair it, but for now, they'll just have to deal with me like this. Once it is fixed, I'll return to the Duo Maxwell they know and find utterly annoying and life will continue…for them at least.  
  


_You're getting closer,  
to pushing me off of life's little edge  
Cause I'm a loser  
__And sooner or later you know I'll be dead_

  
All those times Heero has leveled a gun at me, I've wondered why he hasn't bothered to pull the trigger. It doesn't make sense that he would have sooner killed Relena than me. Of course she's only alive for now because I shot him…twice. Didn't know either of them then…hadn't fallen in love with him yet…  
  


_You're getting closer,  
You're holding the rope and  
I'm taking the fall  
Cause I'm a loser_

  
…that's when my world was balanced as fragile as it was. I got to know him and that was it, my glass fence shattered and I fell down, and probably on a couple shards to boot. Now my mask has broken…how many more barriers is he going to destroy on me? Guess I better build them stronger next time…  
Silence fills the room. Glancing over my shoulder, "You know you guys don't have to huddle in the hall." I can hear whispers in the hallway before the door opens more to allow entrance and then closes firmly.  
"Duo…"  
I don't bother looking at him as I put the instrument away. "Where are the others?" Aren't they going to ridicule me as well, or marvel that I have a talent other than killing, repairing Gundams and running off at the mouth.  
"I told them I needed to speak with you privately. You behavior pattern has been erratic since your injuries."  
Shoving the locker under my bed again, I retort, "Well, in your opinion, my behavior is ALWAYS erratic. Besides, so has yours." Energy spent, I flop back onto the pillows and breathe heavily – Maxwell, you're body has not healed enough to be doing things like that.  
Closing my eyes for only a moment, the bastard has to go and sit down on the edge of my bed and dares to put a hand on my chest. "Calm down – you haven't recovered yet. My opinion may be that your behavior is erratic normally, but it is within acceptable parameters. Since the incident, it has been outside of those parameters and poses a direct danger to you and an indirect danger to myself and the other pilots."  
I pick that moment to be cocky, "Yeah, well, deal with it. I get the job done, don't I?"  
"You take unnecessary risks and you have been ignoring your health leading to a longer downtime. This is unacceptable. Does that song have something to do with your behavior?"  
I take a moment to stop and blink. I never thought that he'd consider that little detail a major reason for my behavior. Well, he wants to hear it, he's gonna hear it. "It has everything to do with me – me in the present, me in the past, and me in the future. That's what I am, Heero. I can't change that. Maybe you'll all get lucky and I'll die tomorrow…"  
"Unacceptable."  
"What?" I nearly whisper having my thoughts thrown off track. "What do you mean unacceptable?!" I start trying to get back up into a sitting position…  
…only to have him keep me firmly in place. "You cannot die…no matter what OZ thinks, of all of us, you are the best Gundam pilot. Deathscythe Hell cannot be piloted by anyone – I've been in the cockpit…"  
"You've what?!"  
"Your harness," then I remember saying something about it to Quatre who probably said something to Heero…oh boy, got myself in deep on that one. "We're the same size so I used myself to measure the amount of maneuverability and adjusted it."  
"Oh…" Simple statement letting him know that he doesn't have to bother, I'm already calling myself stupid. Q's a nice guy, but sometimes he's a little too nice.  
"The weaponry on your Gundam is difficult to control as well as its other capabilities. Only a superb pilot would be capable of it." Heero pauses momentarily looking directly into my eyes and I can help but squirm under his intense stare. "Why do you want to die, Duo?"  
Again, I stop and blink – why does he have to be so damn straight forward about things? Why can't he just let me go? "Because…because I don't deserve the right to live."  
"Why not?"  
What? My mind doesn't even form it into a spoken word. "You know how many people have died because of me? I am Shinigami – everyone around me eventually dies, so the easiest way to fix that is for me to give up hold on this world. I'm tired, Heero…tired of being the God of Death. I had hoped in the beginning that maybe with coming to Earth everything would be different, but nothing has changed other than the fact that now I take my victims with my own hands." I turn my head away from his gaze. I don't want to see whatever emotion he's going to display – probably disgusted with me.  
"Duo, look at me." As soon as I fearfully comply with his request, he continues, "Do you think that either of use are all that different? We both wear masks to hide our past – mine behind an emotionless wall and you behind your smiles and jokes. When you played, that was the first time the others saw behind that mask of yours – it scared them to see the person they saw as their light in this forsaken war fall into its dark depths."  
I jump as his hand touches my forehead and pushes my hair out of my face. "What about you?"  
"I've seen past it before and I only see a reflection of myself. Death may seem to follow you, but I've also done enough of my own damage by my own hands to want the same thing. However, I keep on living to find this peace that Dr. J and Relena keep preaching about and to somehow make amends for the lives I've taken – both by accident and by design. Do you think you could do the same thing?"  
I only nod as I wonder how the hell Heero could have hidden this side of himself so well.  
"Good." He lightly kisses me on the forehead before getting up to turn off the lights, "Rest and recover your strength – you'll need it." I watch him get ready for and go to bed and again for the longest time, I just stare at him again. "Go to sleep, Duo."  
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Fin  
August 2002  
*by JeiC  



End file.
